Shepard Gets Drunk
by Isaboo
Summary: Shepard is not allowed to drink hard liquor for a reason. Now she's off to find Kaidan, and tell him he's a meanie-face poo-head. Shenko, femshep duh , random. Will most likely be a two-shot. Written at 2a.m. so be nice. swearing/references but no smut
1. Chapter 1

A/N:Shepard gets her man!

Disclaimer: Not mine, or Kaidan would have been where Jacob was through ME2.

The crowd pulsed around her, face after face belonging to nobody. Bass matched her heartbeat, the cool liquor sliding down her throat as she threw back another shot. A hand slid across her ass, and her elbow lashed out behind her to catch the person in the solar plexus. The muffled grunt of pain made her smile, and she signaled the bartender to give her another vodka. Maybe it wasn't wise to drink away her nerves, but after the day she'd had, it was better than sitting alone in her quarters, contemplating the damn fish.

Garrus was off visiting his father, who was apparently _still_ unimpressed by his son. Tali was on a date with Kal'Reegar, and both of them denied it was a date. Jack and Miranda were in Miranda's office slash bedroom, and unless EDI told Shepard that a murder was about to happen, she wasn't going to touch that one. The engineers had gone to visit some exhibit on an asari colony, all about engines, though Kelly and Kasumi were convinced that Ken would finally make a move on Gabriella (Shepard doubted it, the man was dense). The observant Ks were going dancing at Flux, on Tali's suggestion. Jacob had gone to Chora's Den with some of the other manly types from the crew. Thane was with his son. Zaeed was gone, hired by somebody to kill something. Samara went to Omega, to be a Justicar and kick some unjust ass (last Shepard heard, Aria had suddenly become a philanthropist, after a group of her thugs got destroyed). Joker and Grunt, of all people, had gone off to explore, which meant have Grunt intimidate people after Joker pissed them off. Legion was in the AI core, still, and EDI was trying to explain human jokes to them...him...geth-people. Mordin was meeting with some old friends who he performed Gilbert and Sullivan with.

Shepard was alone, and nobody could stop her from getting shitfaced.

_Two hours later:_

The room was spinning a bit, but the lights were pretty. _Oooooooooooooooh_, that turian had two heads! Now, where was her pistol? Not in her pockets...but where were her pockets? She could have sworn she never went anywhere without her pockets! Why were the pockets gone? Oh, skirt. Dress. No pockets. Gun strapped to thigh...easy access, like a ninja!

Shepard felt the room tilt a bit again, and steadied herself against the bar. They really shouldn't have the room move so much, what if the people dancing fell over? That would be bad. Hey!

Alliance soldiers were over there! They were wearing boring uniforms though, the long sleeved and normal fitting kind, not the sexy bicep-show-offy kind that Kaidan used to wear. Why wear formal uniforms when you don't have too? The normal kind were much sexier.

Those silly boys weren't as sexy as Kaidan though. What was he up to lately, anyways?

She pouted at the thought. He was _so mean_ on Horizon. All angry and grumpy. She just wanted some loving! A nice fuck before the suicide mission! It wasn't _her_ fault she had been dead for two years! Kaidan was just a meanie-face poo-head!

She was going to go tell him so! Right now!

_Kaidan's Apartment:_

It had been a long day. Somebody had sent them another pile of information on Cerberus, and he'd been off intimidating people for a week. Once he got back, the Council dragged him in for questioning, and then the Alliance dragged him off to _their_ questioning. It would make far too much sense for everyone to question him at the same time, of course. He certainly shouldn't expect some rest after shutting down a half-dozen Cerberus facilities.

"Why do I even bother?" Kaidan muttered to himself, as he stripped out of his formal uniform and pulled on his sweatpants and a worn t-shirt. Finally able to relax, he flopped on the couch with a carton of take-out Chinese-Asari fusion (it was the only thing open and on his direct path home after he escaped the interrogation). Blasto the Jellyfish was playing when he turned on the vidscreen, and he stared incredulously while eating. "Enkindle this? Did somebody _actually_ think this was a good idea?"

he was halfway through the food when there was a flurry of bangs on his door. Not knocks, but loud, angry _bangs_, like somebody was kicking it instead of using their hand. Groaning, he hauled himself up and went to open the door. The door made its usually beeping-chime noise, and whooshed open to reveal Commander Shepard holding on to the wall to stay on her feet. "Shepard!"

Kaidan couldn't say anything else. He could barely breath. _She was wearing a dress_. With those sexy boots like an asari stripper would wear. She was wearing a skin tight, low cut, red silk dress and _stripper boots_. On his doorstep.

And now on his couch, since she pushed past him while he tried _not_ to get an erection. Closing and locking the door, Kaidan followed her and sat awkwardly a few feet from her. She smelled like vodka. _Oh, god, Jo Shepard is drunk, dressed incredibly sexy and sprawling on my couch. I can almost see her underwear...is she wearing underwear? Do women wear underwear with this kind of outfit?_

_ Why is she in my apartment while dressed like this and drunk?_

"You're a jerk, Kaidan Alenko. A mean, stubborn, shortsighted..." Shepard paused for a moment to remember what she wanted to call him. _Ah yes!_ "A meanie-face poo-head! And I wanted to tell you that, because everyone else is gone, and Jack and Miranda might be having angry lesbian sex, and I'm bored, and you're mean!"

She pouted. He wanted to kiss her, then fuck her, then keep her tied to his bed for the rest of his life. And never let her out of his sight again.

She passed out, and he put her into his bed after removing the boots and dress. He did make sure to put one of his shirts on her, and he tried _very_ hard not to stare at her mostly naked body.

The underwear was a ridiculously tiny red thong, and a matching bra.

A/N: Yeah, so, I was just thinking: How would Shepard go about finding Kaidan and getting' some of that fine ass? Well, it depends on the Shepard.

This Shepard is usually kept away from hard liquor, but everyone was gone so...yeah...

Tell me what you think?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Last half. Rejoice, it's short and sweet and slightly incoherent. Again, written at 2a.m.

2:40 for this part, actually.

Disclaimer: Again, there would be no Jacob in the Armory, but Kaidan instead if I owned Mass Effect.

Shepard Has a Hangover:

_Owwwwwwwwwww._

_ Pain._ Jo clutched her head in agony as she tried to remember where she was. _Quick! Assess the situation! Like a ninja!_

_ ..._

_ Ninja? Where the hell did _that_ come from?_

Then she noticed that her dress and boots and weapon-for-killing-annoying-things were gone, and all she was wearing was a t-shirt that was most definitely not hers. She jerked upright in bed, then clutched her forhead again and collapsed back on the pillows. Where was she? Oh, god, one-night stands were awkward. But wait! Underwear was still intact!

_I'm in some man's shirt, in his bed, after dressing like a high-class hooker and gettign drunk off my ass, and I _didn't_ have sex last night? Now I'm confused._

All was forgot as the heavenly smell of caffeine floated into the room (coffee, it would seem, though any form of the blessed stimulant would work for her). This time, she got up carefully, easing herself out of the bed and looking around curiously. Her dress was hanging in the closet, which was full of Alliance uniforms for the most part. There were some civvies mixed in. It all looked vaguely familiar, but she'd been in the Alliance since her eighteenth birthday, so their uniforms _should_ look familiar. With careful movements, she tried to walk to the door, and promptly fell on her ass. "Ow!"

A clunk of somebody dropping something in the next room, then hurried steps.

_Kaidan. Oh dear, what _ did _I do last night?_

"Jo! Are you alright? Are you hurt? Let me help you," Kaidan scooped her up in his arms while she was still gaping at him. She had some strange dreams last night, because _surely_ she didn't call him a meanie-face poo-head.

Right?

"Here, stay there and I'll get the coffee, hangover meds, and your breakfast. Just relax," Kaidan was out the door and out of sight before she could form full thoughts, nevermind words and sentences. She had been drinking last night, she knew that. Why was she with Kaidan? People had told her not to drink a lot of vodka before, and usually she didn't, but it got her drunk so quickly, and with minor hangovers compared to other drinks. _No alcohol without supervision, ever again_.

Kaidan re-entered the room carrying a tray which he placed on her lap. Downing the hangover meds quickly, she gazed in rapture at the chocolate chip pancakes heaped before her, with whipped-cream smiley faces and everything!

Turning adoring eyes on Kaidan, who was still hovering slightly, she exclaimed, "I _love_ you!" before digging into the food. She could interrogate him later, but it had been _ages_ since she had food this good. He always _was_ handy in the kitchen.

"I put some clean towels in the bathroom for you, the showers all yours when you want it," he said, with a slightly dazed look on his face, before retreating back to the kitchen.

_One hour later:_

Feeling incredibly refreshed, and much more human, Jo stepped out of the bathroom, wearing Kaidan's shirt again. He was sitting on the couch in the living room, looking incredibly nervous. She was too embarrassed to go through his drawers for pants, so she was careful not to flash her thong at him as she sat down.

Alright, maybe she just wanted to torture him, but he _deserved_ it!

"So, why did I wake up in your shirt in your bed, Kaidan?" Jo asked casually, sitting down next to him.

"You showed up in a tiny dress and stripper boots and called me a meanie-face poo-head last night. Then you passed out on my couch, and I thought you wouldn't want your clothes ruined by sleeping in them and I was careful not to look too much," Kaidan answered quickly.

"You're a bit of jerk, that's true," She responded, looking thoughtful.

"Look, I'm really sorry about Horizon, Jo. I was in shock, and angry, and _dammit_ I thought the woman I loved had been dead for two years and then you were in front of me, wearing a Cerberus uniform!" Kaidan jumped to his feet and started pacing, a barely noticeable aura of biotics surrounding him. Jo had always thought it incredibly sexy when he did that.

He stopped moving, and looked at her for a moment, his eyes devouring every facet of her being. It was his Jo, his love, sitting on his couch in his shirt, looking adorably disheveled. Maybe groveling for forgiveness wouldn't be so bad after all.

"I was dead, Kaidan. If I could have contacted you sooner, I would have. Timmy wouldn't tell me where you were, Anderson wouldn't tell me. Then the Collector's went after _you_, not some random colony, buy you!" Shepard looked back at him, admiring the slight blue aura still gathered at his hands. So nice of him to match her eyes like that. She'd forgotten how sexy his arms were, too. In fact, he looked like he was in even better shape now than two years ago. "It's up to you what you want, here. I love you. I want to be with you, and haul you of on the new Normandy and tell the Alliance to find a new damn biotic officer sex god. You're _mine_. At least, that's what my heart and mind and body say. But you have to make a choice."

Kaidan nearly laughed at that. A choice? To hell with the Alliance, those assholes could send some other flunky to terrorize Cerberus cells.

"I love you, Jo," He said, before grabbing her in his arms and kissing her.

A/N: WOOOOO! Corny lovey happy!

I love love. It's a nice emotion. I too get ridiculously giddy and out of character over my love. It's very enjoyable, and I feel that Kaidan and Shepard have the right to act silly and strange and mildly disconcerting. Yay. Done now.


End file.
